Erik Quinn: The Heart of a Family: Shoot Me

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Shoot Me

I knew lifting Erik was slowly taking a toll on my poor back. Last week I felt a strange pain begin in my right buttock/hip, as if I had pulled something. Now it seems I have worsening sciatic nerve pain that occasionally doubles me over. It feels like a hornet is constantly stinging me in the ass. From what I have read, 90% of the time, watchful waiting is the best cure for this type of pain. I want to crawl to a chiropractor/magician/physician/witch doctor/mechanic/funeral director and beg for mercy, but I want to give it at least a week. What sucks is that I am afraid of losing ground in terms of my fitness goals. Luckily, being this dedicated for almost an entire year, writing nearly everything I eat down and setting aside 30 to 60 minutes a day to sweat like a pig, means my chances of returning to flabiness are greatly reduced. Thirty-five pounds ago, I was just so horribly miserable and don't want to go there again. Ever. I was hiding. Plus, I was finally feeling fabulous before this occurred. I climbed up on the treadmill today, and I did okay with that. Aerobics are not an option for me at the moment. The trouble is that the treadmill is harder to cram into my day, as Erik can't be present when I am on it. Last night I was in so much pain that my eyes watered. Today is slightly better. Either that, or I'm getting used to it. I saw a lady gyrating on an Aleve commercial today, and I felt like hucking a tennis shoe through the television screen.

I watched my friend with ALS hold Erik today. His disease is progressing very rapidly. His right lung is beginning to deteriorate, and he is in agony from periodic muscle spasms. I watched him endure one today, and his shirt became soaked in sweat, although he tried to put on a very brave face for me. After it was over, Erik giggled in his arms, and everything seemed perfect again. Death is a funny thing when you know it is coming. It puts strain on relationships in such an odd way. You would think the petty stuff would evaporate, but the little things suddenly seem unbearable, like coarse grit in the bottom of your shoe. It just feels different than I expected it would. My only hope is that when he goes, we won't hate each other. I guess I expected things to be perfect before we said goodbye, and that isn't very realistic after all. I should know that nothing is perfect. Ever. Even knowing this, I seem to always shoot for perfect. That's just how I am, even in my imperfect little world. Go figure.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Katie said...

I was crippled by sciatic nerve pain when i was pregnant with Jaiden, as he grew he compressed the nerve more - in the end i could only walk about 3 metres without a rest and had my mother in law looking after Liam for me!
Physio helps... i had this elastic band type thingy which went around my waist and somehow it helped.
It must be so hard to watch a friend dying in front of you, i am sorry that you have to go through it.
xxoo

5:03 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

oh the dreaded sciatica! I battle with this daily. Winter of '06 was miserable for me. Onset of Sciatic pain, the kind that travels the whole way down and out through the arch of your foot. I couldn't sit or stand. It was just nasty. Also, Caleb's diagnosis came that winter, and I think the combination of being an invalid and the DX helped me put on a few extra pounds. The spinal decompression table helped me with my butt pain even though i felt like I got hit by a truck the next day.
my thoughts are with your friend. It must be so hard for both of you. :(

5:39 AM  
Blogger Every minute counts.... said...

I am so sorry that your friend is so sick. It is very hard to watch someone slip away in front of you.
I hope that your back starts feeling better. I think that is the only part of your body that there is no way to work through the pain.
Noel

6:39 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

I have been using "BioFreeze" since the giant rock project and it is WONDERFUL. ORDER SOME TODAY!!! My neighbor with sciatica issues gave me some, she swears by it and I agree. s far as weight goes, I can relate. I put on some pounds this year and am now working them off again. Be kind to yourself as you and your friend deal with death, it is neither anyone's "fault" and all you can do is be in charge of how you positively spend time together.
xoxo
Amy

9:23 AM  
Blogger Tes & John said...

35 lbs you go girl! Take it easy, maybe some light yoga. You will still be moving so that counts. Fabness is obtainable, always.

I have to admit watching someone waste away is not easy but who ever said it was? We would be inhuman if we could just watch and not feel pain/sympathy/resentment/sorrow etc. Use the time he has to be a good friend you want regret it.
Hugs
Lila's mommy

12:41 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

My friend was bedridden for 2 weeks with her sciatic. I hope it gets better soon. I am so sorry about your friend.

1:05 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

Hope you back is feeling better soon!!
I am so sorry you are having to see your friend go through this. I do know first hand how devastating this disease is. I have been watching my girlfriend's husband and their family deal with this for the last year. It sucks.

3:56 AM  
Anonymous Auntie Dee-ta said...

I hope that you are feeling better and I know a GREAT chiropractor in the valley!!!

And... I am praying for your dear friend!

BIG Hugs
Dawnita

4:14 PM  

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