Victory

The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes first and then the lesson. -- Unknown

I wasn't going to write today, but I received such an overwhelming response after writing my last entry I thought I had better send up a flare to let everybody know I survived. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, e-mails, and comments. I felt like I was going into battle and ended up feeling relatively prepared because of you. It also felt great to get my feelings out here, and hopefully it will bring a better understanding of the good, the bad, and the ugly side of what comes with this heartwrenching experience. I promise you honesty here on these pages. As it turns out, I was surprised at how easy it was to talk to my doctor about what was on my mind once I got some momentum going. Not only did she listen to every word I had to say, she actually apologized on behalf of the medical community as a whole not diagnosing us sooner or treating us better, wholeheartedly supported any decision we made without judgment, validated the concerns I had with undeniable medical data, and shared her own personal story of severe genetic problems in her family. Most importantly, she reminded me that my instincts have always been dead on and that I should continue letting them guide me in the future. That was a welcome surprise. Because she is a very strong, matter-of-fact person and I know a little about medicine, we had a conversation about this situation without too much of the sloppy emotion I was worried about. However, I did shed a few tears and let her know I was still in a lot of pain. In turn, she seemed amazed at how well I was doing for such a fresh wound and made it perfectly clear that my feelings were valid. I told her the truth - that this first visit was very difficult for me, and she not only understood but told me about other women that dread coming to her office, some of whom who could never have children and still feel the pain, some of whom who have lost children, and some of whom who have had something go wrong like me. Best of all, she stated that people who pressure me or ask personal questions about childbearing are flat-out rude. I walked out feeling at peace and cried all of the way home - not because I was sad, but because I felt free. I finally felt like I had permission to do what I felt was right for me and feel what I want to feel without apologizing for it or trying not to inconvenience the people around me with my pain. I may fantasize about going all Jerry Springer on someone and punching the first person who says something hurtful or thoughtless to me next, but I won't apologize for those feelings; and maybe it won't get to me so much eventually.