Erik Quinn: The Heart of a Family: Speechless

Friday, August 08, 2008

Speechless

My last post shed some light on why I have some of the issues I do about childbearing. Watching myself type the word rejection was what Oprah would call a "light bulb moment." To me, there is almost nothing worse than feeling rejected. Especially by my own child for days/months/years at a time when all I ever wanted to do is love him and have a natural, loving relationship with him. This started in the days after he was born when he looked right through me and when my own milk seemed to be an acidic poison in his body. We didn't naturally mesh back then, either. It seems that my defense mechanisms have kicked in, as my heart would not survive this all over again. All I can do is the best I can and tell him I love him each and every day. I know the kid loves me back, and I cherish the moments he drags his blanket out after his nap to cuddle with me or rubs his nose against mine and giggles. We just really struggle some days to connect and communicate, and it hurts. The last couple of weeks have been really difficult this way. I get angry because I have to work so hard on the simple things that should just HAPPEN for both of us.

I guess this blog is good for something after all.

On that note, I ended up going to support group last night. We were going to meet in a local park, but it stormed off and on all day and was raining cats and dogs by the time our meeting was to take place, so eight of us sat around a large wooden table in a bustling corner store that has been converted into a trendy little store/deli/pizzeria in the neighborhood where I grew up. It was nice. Just being in the presence of these women was relaxing. However, times like these I realize how horrible I am at verbalizing anything at all. Being alone most of time probably doesn't help me any. I would have an easier time knitting a sweater while roller skating. Yes, it feels that awkward. I'm really much better writing things down. I have a lot to say but once it's my turn to speak, I can't seem to find the right words to do my thoughts justice. If they think I'm crackers, they sure don't let it show and are quite gracious.

Anyway, I would like to welcome the women I consider beautiful warriors. Thank you for visiting me here and being so incredibly kind to a freak show like me.

Labels: ,

9 Comments:

Blogger ~Deb said...

Far from a freak show.
Closer to an angel.
More tolerant than the most evolved soul.
More patience than one can imagine.
And more love in your heart that Erik will ever know or experience.

{{hugs}}

6:58 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Hey, I know, and maybe it never will be a 'normal' mother child relationship. It does hurt, but I garauntee that you will have plenty of chances to make up for that lack of connection. I promise,cross my heart, and virtual pinky swear it! Trust me, the good moments you do get are so powerful and healing. Savor them, you will them to fall back on here and there. :)
oxoxo, Heather

10:01 AM  
Blogger Aspen said...

It's funny that you say that because I had that exact same "Aha" after reading the word "rejection." And, ironically enough, was going to write a blog today on a very similar topic.

We have talked many times before about our similar views of "mommy-hood." I admire you so much for being so honest. I just almost feel sometimes that you write the exact words that I think and feel on a daily basis.

I love you and that precious boy of your so very much!

10:45 AM  
Blogger kathi said...

I'm exactly the same way. I often feel...awkward around people and it's not any fault of theirs, it's just me. I spent the first 6 years after Casey and Charlie were born by myself with my husband working 7 days a week, till I threatened to leave and then he made it 6 days a week. I lost all social skills I had...not that I was ever that social. Now, I often get such a bad case of nerves when I know I have to be around people that I'm sick for days before it. I want so bad to 'fit in', but I'll often find myself in a corner, or just listening as people around me talk. Not that you're as bad as I am, but I do wish I had better social skills...or maybe just a better self image of myself would give me that kick in the butt I need to join the crowd.

12:43 PM  
Anonymous Auntie Dee~ta said...

I believe there is something to be said when a group of women get together...

Good for YOU for going last night!!

The words will come... You are Nance!

I love you!
Dawnita~

2:34 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I totally depend on your "freak show"! For someone who can't verbalize you can sure but your words in writing! I am so grateful for your ability to write so beautifully - on several occasions you have been able to articulate the feelings I've had for years but never been able to put to words...I am so grateful for your blog and your gift of words...don't ever underestimate how many people your words touch and effect in wonderful ways!

3:45 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I totally depend on your "freak show"! For someone who can't verbalize you can sure but your words in writing! I am so grateful for your ability to write so beautifully - on several occasions you have been able to articulate the feelings I've had for years but never been able to put to words...I am so grateful for your blog and your gift of words...don't ever underestimate how many people your words touch and effect in wonderful ways!

3:45 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I cannot believe how much we have in common, Nance. I'm the same way with speaking, I freeze up and don't know what to say half the time. I went through similiar bonding issues as well with Will, it took a few years before I knew that he loved me - he was about 5 when he started getting more on the "cuddly" side. And that comment about having to work hard to MAKE things happen really hit home.

Hang in there mom....Eric will grow out of this stage and start to be more affectionate with you, you'll see!

12:50 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

I talk when i get nervous, im one of those annoying people you want to tell to shut up and dont say it unless it needs to be said, i cant help it and often leave social situations wanting to bang my head on a brick wall thinking when will i just learn to shut up!? I wish i could be a shy person, i would prefer it, very few people actually see the real me its hidden behind a vocal facarde.
You are a bandaid Nancy, you cant physically heal the full depth of our wounds but you sure as hell make us feel better about them.
xxoo

9:21 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home