Seasonal Affective Disorder
He is a blur as he runs circles around the house and pushes a toy truck. Sensing my complex tangle of emotions with his heart-radar, he screeches to a halt and looks at me sitting in my favorite spot on the couch with a blanket pulled over my lap. He expertly softens his voice, which he he has been using to create the rude, hoarse rumble of an engine to power his truck for the last 20 minutes, and asks, "Mama, are you happy?" He looks at me with pure-white hope in his eyes, desparetely willing my mouth to form the word "yes." One time when I admitted that I was sad, he burst into tears, and we both cried. I don't do that anymore.
I feel a wide smile forming on my face, despite the horrible holiday ache that is setting in, and tell him that his mama is just fine. He turns his head to the side slightly and stares at me more intently, as if he doesn't believe a word, but he lets it go. He smiles politely and pushes his truck to another destination in the kitchen. As he passes, I see one of his little toes boring a hole through yet another set of PJs.
The Christmas lights create chase away the darkness of morning, and my coffee steams in the confines of its cup. My lips draw from it, and I feel it warming my insides. I will get through these strange couple of months that bring the dark things that I have worked so hard to suppress to the surface. I will get through them, just as I do each and every year, and put them away with the decorations in January. Starting a new year not knowing what is ahead has always scared me to death, even when I was alone and things were simple. It's thrilling and frightening all at the same time.
There is much to be thankful for this year. Despite the familiar holiday ache setting in.
I feel a wide smile forming on my face, despite the horrible holiday ache that is setting in, and tell him that his mama is just fine. He turns his head to the side slightly and stares at me more intently, as if he doesn't believe a word, but he lets it go. He smiles politely and pushes his truck to another destination in the kitchen. As he passes, I see one of his little toes boring a hole through yet another set of PJs.
The Christmas lights create chase away the darkness of morning, and my coffee steams in the confines of its cup. My lips draw from it, and I feel it warming my insides. I will get through these strange couple of months that bring the dark things that I have worked so hard to suppress to the surface. I will get through them, just as I do each and every year, and put them away with the decorations in January. Starting a new year not knowing what is ahead has always scared me to death, even when I was alone and things were simple. It's thrilling and frightening all at the same time.
There is much to be thankful for this year. Despite the familiar holiday ache setting in.
posted by Nancy at 7:34 AM
2 Comments:
Sometimes, well most of the time, you just have to fib a little bit. For their sake.
made the same mistake by telling the truth, and it isn't worth it.
chin up girl.
xoxoxo, Heather
Whatever the New Year may bring, I will be right beside you dear friend, sharing in the joy, the heartache, and all the "in betweens".
Anita
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