No More Normal for Me

I am fresh out of smiles today.
Sadness swells like a coffin-heavy, rain-soaked bloom
deep in the center of my chest,
the cause of which remains a mystery at the moment.

There are days when the endurance
this life of mine suddenly requires
remains in very short supply, and
my heart revs with an electric sense of panic.

I’m an absolute tangle now of what I feel
and how I probably should feel.

But I am only able to feel what comes,
as my heart seems to have a mind of its own.

I have been told that

I’m so lucky.
I’m so blessed.

Why, then, do I feel so unbelievably cursed?

My sense of normal is no longer the product
of the cookie cutter life I dreamed of long ago
as I played with the blond-haired, blue-eyed dolls
that were rarely missing anything at all.

My tears betray me because --

There is no more black and white.
There is no more innocence.
There are no more guarantees of anything at all.

I cry because now I see.

There is no more normal for me.